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Lifestyle

Miracles

By Meshack Yobby

Theme song: ‘When You Believe’ by Mariah Carey feat marehemu Whitney Houston (you know, that ‘there can be miracles when you believe’ song)

It is true that necessity is the mother of invention. After my recent gas debacle, I started thinking of all the crazy stuff I have been told -or done- about how to squeeze the last drop out of anything. For instance, when the gas flames go too low, switch off the burner, give the cylinder a thorough shake and voila! Stronger flames for a couple more minutes!

Did you know that when you are hungry, you only need to take ‘cold power’ (lots of drinking chocolate in cold water’ and the hunger goes away? Now that I am older, I know it must be the sugar rush. A few years ago, I wondered what juju it was.

Still on food, do you know ugali can be warmed? Just peel off the hard exterior, seal it in a plastic bag, put it in a pot of water and heat it. And by the way, ugali and warm salted water doesn’t taste bad at all smile emoticon. Okay, maybe it is because I love my ugali too much.

Also, when you are in the bathroom and the only piece of soap looks like the amount of toothpaste you lay on your toothbrush, stand under the shower, soap your head quickly, and use the lather for the rest of you. (You don’t want to bathe using Omo. No amount of lotion can cure the dryness. You will look like you are wearing grey trousers kumbe it’s just your dry legs.) The remaining kasoap can disappear on your privates. Point to remember is that if it is cold water, your back is not a priority. Really, there is no need to suffer. And no one will touch your back to see if its temperature is different from the rest of your body. I learned this when I had to bathe using cold water during a July in Eldoret. As soon as the water landed on my arms, it turned into steam. It was that cold. No way I was going to freeze my Central Nervous System.

I recently had a conversation with someone who did not know just how many uses a newspaper has. After it informs you, it wraps your meat, and then after you eat the meat, it wipes your behind. Because whatever you eat, you must eject. I know doctors will say it is dangerous, but man must live. And in the city, we do not have the obengele planted next to the toilets. Those are natural ass wipers, my friends. And today I shall not repeat the story of how my cousin wiped his using stinging nettle instead of obengele leaves. Hahaha he sat in a basin of water because every time he lifted his behind out, he had to scratch it hahahaha. Anyway, newspapers can be cut into rectangles, rubbed to make the surface rougher and there, you have your toilet paper.

Ah, there can be miracles, my friends. At the end of your tether, you will find one. You don’t need a crusade for that.

About the writer:                             
Meshack Yobby is a writer and freelance videographer. He lives in Nairobi Kenya.

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